It’s become what I promised it wasn’t.

Yesterday, I realized that what I promised wasn’t procrastination had become just that.

In all my doubts about sharing my research about vaccines…
& how to best reveal my heart in the process,
& our conclusions about vaccines for our family,
I’ve gotten to a point where I, just, so don’t know how to begin that I’ve avoided it for the last week or two.

Also, I recently downloaded the 2009 VAERS report.
{Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System by the CDC}
After reading through about 1,200 of the 30,000+ cases, I got incredibly overwhelmed & haven’t done any reading/research since.

So, that’s where we are.

At first, I planned to write one all-encompassing post that briefly summarized my vaccine research as well as what our stance is & how we came to that conclusion.
Then I realized I needed to break it up into segments.
Then I thought, maybe it would be better for me to write one post per vaccine, plus an additional “our stance” post.

Now, I just don’t know where to start.
And, honestly, my heart and mind have become so overwhelmed in the midst of all this research that I haven’t wanted to dive into it, either.

Anyway, I promised.
I promised to share my resources & research.
I promised I wasn’t procrastinating, and now that I realize I am:  I must just face it & make it happen…

I fully intend to follow through with that promise.
Even if it has gotten overwhelming for me.

So, we’ll start with a vaccine that was the least controversial for me…

{Coming this week: The HPV Vaccine.}

It’s not procrastination, I promise.

John pointed out that I’m no longer writing a blog post {or even series of blog posts}
but that I’m writing what’s clearly turned into a research paper.

I want to give good, solid information.

I have to admit that it’s very hard to do.

It’s hard because I’ve spent the last 3 months doing research on this topic.
2 books, hundreds of articles {as well as opinionated blog posts, etc.}, and the 2009 VAERS report.
{32,813 vaccine adverse event reports from patients, family members & medical professionals.}

It’s also really difficult to share because it absolutely breaks my heart.
I’ve had to put down the books or close the case reports several times to stop crying.

One of the  things I learned in Africa

{and subsequently in working with the homeless here in USA}

was that I must not ever forget that every statistic & number that’s presented as fact hides a name & a face.
A person with a story & a heart, a person with fears & dreams.

{A person’s a person no matter how small, right?}

I quickly learned with AIDS patients & with the homeless
– people so easily cast off with statistics, because statistics don’t have faces & stories –
that for my heart to stay loving, for my mind to stay present with the real problem,
I had to always remember that there are faces behind those statistics.

That’s a great thing.
Until you give me these kinds of staggering statistics.
Because it just shatters my heart.
It brings me to a hopeless place.
And, most often, then brings me to Jesus because that’s where my hope is found.

But nothing changes how devastating the thought is of moms losing their babies, of the cases where vaccines resulted in autism, etc.

So… I’ve wanted to give really good, solid facts.
I’ve wanted to better understand the whole picture of each vaccine, so as to give the best information possible.
I’ve wanted to have varying dependable resources.
And, I’ve gotten those things.

But it’s just incredibly difficult to know where to even start to describe and summarize all the things I’ve learned.
It’s not made any easier by the fact that I’m a very passionate person – and that my heart just wants me to beg everyone I know to thoroughly research before making a decision.

Also – I’m pregnant. So my dreams these days are vivid & intense.
And I’m ready to write all these things & rid my heart of the turmoil so I can stop dreaming about babies with adverse vaccine reactions.

I promise it’s on the way.
I’m not putting it off.

If you’re going to read the vaccine posts, I ask this:
– Read all of them.
– Read every word of them.
– Bear with me as I stumble through this & try to explain what I’ve found.
– Bear with me as they’ll be LONG posts.

And remember,
I’m not writing any of this because I’m on a mission to prove that it’s terrible for parents to vaccinate {or anything like that}.
I’m writing it because I’ve taken the time to read & research and because a LOT of people have asked me to share what I’ve found, as well as explain why we personally made the decision we have about vaccines.

That is all.
We’ll be getting down to business soon… I hope.