Passion & Pain

Passion.

Comes & goes.
Remains {even when weakened} in tiny doses.
Even if only remaining as a faint memory.

Nothing can make it disappear.
Not loneliness or failure or defeat.
It does fade so, sometimes.
Like life slowly leaving your body…
The life that is your passion sometimes slips away.

For me, America does this.
And lies. And selfishness.
{Both my own & yours.}
America does this with her indifference & apathy,
With her sales that excuse indecency.
With money that allows murder.

But, Truth…
Truth brings passion to life even more.
Brings her from the darkness back into light.

When I get passionate, I can’t help but talk about how it brings me to life.
How Truth fills my heart with passion that calls me to action.
So, when I’m not supposed to, when you might be offended,
When the Truth that is His starts to cause discomfort & I’m taught not to share,
It fades.

Fades & fades until I wake up pinching myself to make sure the life I’m living is real.
Just needing to make sure I can still feel pain.
If I can’t feel pain, I must be dead.
If I don’t have passion, I feel dead.

Passion & Pain are real.

The absence of either causes a numbness that requires the return of one, or the other,
In order to know that one is still truly living.

So when passion is quieted by the bottom line, or hushed in the wake of expected normalcy,
She starts to fade like a memory you try so desperately to hold onto.
She turns and moves slowly in the other direction,
You beg to see her face, to see her turn & look your way.
You beg for just a moment more to have the joy {that comes with being lit up inside} fill you once again.
Just glance in my direction so I can feel alive once more?
But she’s gone.

Gone forever?
Lost completely?

It’s that moment in a film where everything’s dark
& the only sound we hear is the steady, lifeless sound of the heart monitor.
No rising or falling, just flat.
No feeling or breathing, just gone.

After awhile, there’s nothing left & a pinch won’t wake you from this numbness.

Then, through blinking eyes, we’re blinded by the hospital lights;
And there’s life.
Beeping that signifies the return of breath to the lungs & blood to the heart.

We can see her face.
It’s passion, she’s coming our way again.
Maybe not as bright as before.
But, real.
She is so real.
And beautiful.
And you can’t help but speak of her because,
After all, she’s given you breath again.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hear me:
I do not mean to idolize passion in a way that says,
“Passion is what gives us life.”
But rather, a way in which Jesus
Brings our hearts to life, brings our lives to their purpose,
Brings us closer to Him, sets us free from the burdens that would be
Too much if it weren’t for His freedom & Truth.

So let your heart feel the pain of this world,
Let yourself understand that you can make a change.
Let your mind grasp that you are responsible.
Let your passion lead you to where you are able to
Press your palms against the wounds of a broken & hurting world.

Blood, Sweat & Tears

Okay, so there’s really only been sweat & tears so far. It’s been a CRAZY month.

July meant about 20 hangouts with the family in Orlando squeezing in all the last minute precious moments possible before they {most of them} move to Tennessee.
It’s been put off a bit, so there are still a few trips to Orlando in store for the next 10 days or so, before the brothers & Roquemore parents move.

July’s ended, which means another busy month, August:
My friends Caryn & Jen come visit me from Texas & Pennsylvania. For a week.
Then, John & I go to Atlanta to bid my sister farewell. She’s off to California.
John’s birthday happens somewhere in there.

Whew.

Between all the family hangouts, Nomsa happenings, & baby stuff…
One might wonder what ELSE we’ve been doing. Well….

Productivity wise:

I’ve completely reorganized all of Nomsa’s files. {For the last 3 years.}
I’m about halfway done re-organizing {& emptying} 2 closets.
I’ve finished reading Real Food for Mother & Baby.
I’ve started reading Make an Informed Vaccine Decision AND Shepherding a Child’s Heart.
I’ve almost finished with the next post in the vaccine series.
I completely rearranged our room {because our dresser broke}.
{I didn’t move furniture on my own, John was here & did most of it.}
I’ve considered {& taken measurements for} every possible option for a new dresser & room setup.
I’ve found a new dresser for us within our budget.
I’ve figured out that we’re less than 3 years from being completely debt-free {student loans, car payments, etc}.
I launched {last week} a website that I built.
I started on a new web project.
I finished {& ACED, I might add!} my Biology of Human Sexuality course.

{Only a few credits from being DONE!}
I took every book off of our bookshelves & reorganized them by category/genre.
I’ve posted 15 books to Half.com to sell.

Not-so-“productively”:

We’ve watched several movies together during these last several weeks.
We’ve taken plenty of time to talk through our options about Baby Roque’s delivery, names for her, finances, nutrition, & all sorts of other things.
We’ve had quite a bit {although seemingly never enough} snuggle time.
I haven’t made any new meals in more than a week.
{In fact, I haven’t made much food lately. John’s been helping a ton with food.}
I yelled at John. For something really, really stupid. So stupid I don’t even remember.
& In the middle of yelling at him, started crying, because I realized I was yelling at him.
About something really stupid.
I’ve totally slacked off on posting to the blog.

Heart-productivity:

We’ve made time to talk & pray, do Bible reading together, & enjoy family worship time often.
I’m learning about humility. {Blog post coming soon on that one.}
We heard our baby girl’s heartbeat again. 144 beats per minute. She’s been wiggling A LOT.

Posts coming soon:

  • Passion & Pain
  • Humility
  • Vaccines: Part 2