Sunshine.

Sunshine in the midst of a very cloudy week…

Okay, so not actual sunshine, because I live in Florida, and well, it’s so “sunshine-y” here that I don’t really even like to go outside for about 6 months of the year… but absolutely the metaphorical sunshine on a cloudy day.

As noted in several recent posts, it’s been rough since we moved to Lakeland & especially rough lately with added drama. The hardest thing about all of it has been that we’ve just felt so alone here. I’ve expressed our ache for community.

Last week was the most I’d been around people that were non-family members in a long time, and it was great. Except, they were all new people & there wasn’t any comfort, just gobs of nervousness.

Monday night,
My first florida friend, from when I moved to Orlando in 2006, drove to Lakeland to have dinner with us and it was great to talk and catch up on life. We visited for a good five hours.

Tuesday night,
We did a stay-in double-date at our place. An awesome couple we know, that I’m apparently very comfortable with,  came over and we watched Away We Go which happens to be one of our favourite movies. Afterwards, we talked about all the stuff that’s going on & I cried quite a bit.

I say quite a bit because we were in front of other people, if I was alone, it’d be pretty wimpy crying. Ha! Levels of crying. I need a life!
Oh, wait… that’s where we’re going with this.

I realized how late it was & remembered earlier DB gently reminded her husband, who was busy talking (or more probably listening) to mine, that they had to work early in the morning so we needed to get started on the movie.

I quickly told them the time & then said they should go.
They said, not before we pray together, if that’s okay?
I wanted to cry even more, now for a new reason.
We sat in a line holding hands, husbands on the outside, us girls in the middle, & they prayed with us for me, for us. It was so, so encouraging.
They loved us so well.
And, she cried. I haven’t had anyone cry with me, in, well, I can’t remember how long.

Even more sunshine to come as the week goes on… Continue reading “Sunshine.”

Restlessness

Restlessness accompanies the hopelessness that’s desperately trying to creep in & settle in my soul.

I was up until half past midnight doing homework…
To catch up from the day of crying I did that kept me from being able to focus.
I was up until much later than that writing, trying to process the chaos surrounding us right now.
I was up very early, awake to Joshua Radin singing Vegetable Car from the alarm on our bedside.
(Very early, because we usually ignore the first few albums playing, if we remember to set the alarm.)
I was up with my head on his chest, staring at the wall in silence because I just didn’t have words.
Then, he was up, playing with my hair like he does, rubbing my back, whispering his love for me.
The comfort he gives me disrupts the silence I try to hold onto because it’s better than weeping.
I couldn’t keep up that wall when he was doing what he does, so well, to tear it down.

Commence crying.
Crying that leaves me coughing because I get all out of breath.
Crying that soaks my pillow and his shirt.
Crying that soaks my long & unmanageable hair, which then mixes with occasional drops of snot and mats itself to my cheeks & forehead. So much for crying less than normal.
What a mess!

And then, here’s my husband telling me how much I’m loved, how beautiful I am to him.
Here he is challenging me to surrender it all to Jesus.
Here he is, wiping away tears that he didn’t cause, brokenness that he can’t fix.

It’s best that I not get into all the drama & chaos that’s surrounding us at the moment.

What I can tell you is this: John & I are great. I’m so blessed to have him.
Baby Roque seems to be doing well, kicking & squirming often.
We have another appointment in just a few days.
Our little family will be okay, & maybe even much stronger once we’re on the other side of it all.

If you’re the praying kind, please pray for us.
If you’re not, feel free to drop by some cookies. Or ice cream.
(Not that cookies or ice cream are the equivalent of prayer. Just that they’re comforting, really.)