Warrior Woman

BEWARE: Long post.

I’ve been attending this cool workshop for the last few weeks.
I have the privilege of being in the same room with some of the coolest women & hearing them share their hearts for a few hours each week.
It’s pretty terrific.
We’re talking about some hard things, though, so it’s pretty intense, too.
It’s called, “Healing the heart after a challenging birth: unraveling your birth story.”

{So, there’s an answer to the “where’s your birth story” question you want to ask. I haven’t forgotten. It’s a work in progress. It’s hard to process.}

Today, we talked about negative things we believe to be true.
The one I come back to, over & over again, is something that keeps me in a realm of insecurity on a regular basis:

“I’m not good enough.”

Well, the exercise was to share that, and then talk about the possibility that the opposite is true.
If my belief is that I’m not good enough, what if it were true that I am, “good enough?”
First we had to address what that even means.
For me, it means that I think I’ll never accomplish my goals, or that I’m not worth loving, or that I’m not a good Mom, wife, daughter, friend, fill in the blank.

I couldn’t think of any proof that I am “good enough.”
So, I was asked if I’ve ever accomplished a goal.
“Well, of course.” Like what?
Having this baby, cloth diapering, doing EC, breastfeeding, marrying my best friend, on & on & on…

Anyway, these other women who I do admire in many ways, proceeded to tell me some amazing things that they believe about me.
One, a dear friend of mine, tearfully told me that I’m one of the most caring people she’s ever known.
Another woman said I ooze pure love. That I’m friendly, bright, positive, etc.
And a really good Mom.

Man, oh man.
Fighting back tears, I fixed my mouth to thank them, and did my best to let my heart receive those kind words.

For the next exercise, we were asked to draw with pastels how we hope our children will see us, specifically as “Warrior Women.”
HA! I thought. But alas, I’ll give it my best shot.
What comes up in my heart or mind?
Well, I thought of The Full Armor of God from the Scripture, but for some reason the details of that escaped me in the moment, and I dwelled on what was standing out to me most just then.

I drew my terribly awful black stick figure, bald, with a massive pink heart for a body, ears, green eyes, a red smile and blue feet.
{Have I shared what an amazing artist I am? Hahaha.}
I used corresponding colors to write out what was meant to be represented.

When I think of how I hope my children will see me,
And the Warrior Woman I aspire to be, it is:
+ strength in always having heart,
{the big pink heart}
+ looking for truth in all my pursuits,
{the green eyes, because my eyes are green, most of the time.}
+ listening with an open heart,
{the big ears}
+  finding joy in every circumstance,
{the red smile, because lips are red, right?}
+ walking in wisdom.
{the blue feet, blue because of my shoes with the toes I wear nowadays.}

There was nothing about this drawing that reminded me of a warrior except that I imagine a person like the one I aspire to be {& teach our children to be} is one who would work to lessen the evil in the world, and who would attempt to bring peace with their actions.

Another interesting element to my Warrior Woman hopeful self was that it was bald.
And I considered adding a brown ponytail, like mine, since it was supposed to represent me.
BUT… Then I realized that it didn’t matter.
Because another incredibly important element to my evil-fighting warrior woman was the focus on what DOES matter.
The more I focus on the things that do matter, the less appearances matter at all.
I hope & pray to teach my children that.
{That Amelie’s beauty will be real, true, and incredible no matter how it compares to the goals or ideals of her culture, her peers, or even her family.}

Oh, and in case you were even dreaming of asking to see my drawing, the answer is N-O.
Well, because, I’d like your imagination of my drawing to be all you see, because I’m betting the odds are pretty high that your imaginary stick figure version is WAAAY better than my actual drawing could ever be. I am not an illustrator. By any means.

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