Baby Roque (& my selfish heart)

Okay, so last week you got the story.. the scoop on how we found out the news about Baby Roque.
But I’ve not yet begun to tell the story of our hearts in response to the news.

My Mom has taught me the beauty and importance of being a Mom. She’s taught me so many priceless lessons that I can merely skim the surface of.
She’s been there for me when no one should have been. She’s an inspiration.

My Dad has taught me the beauty and importance of being an artist, being creative. He’s also taught me many priceless lessons that I don’t have a clue where to start trying to put them into words.

One of the many things I’ve been taught (whether intentionally or not) is to think for myself, to ask questions and make well informed decisions…
To be an independent woman, to work if I want to work, to always follow my passion and never lose sight of my dreams.

So, my sweet husband and I stood in the bathroom together, looking at each other, waiting for the moment that we would look together at the test results…
He immediately wrapped me in his arms as tears filled his eyes… tears filled my eyes too.
His tears were pure joy, and mine? Mine were just overwhelmed.

I thought about all the dreams I have, and the time I wanted to have with my husband before babies, and the traveling that I feel my soul longing for…
I thought about our goals of paying off our debt very quickly and how they will certainly be pushed back, and …
What if, maybe, the rest of my dreams will be pushed back forever?

The next 3 days we spent time in our little apartment just talking and praying and crying and laughing and being together. It was perfect.
I told John: “I’m just, I’m going to be Mom, for the rest of my life… very very soon…”

Of course, I have spent (and do expect to spend a lot more) my fair share of time crying tears of joy from the part of my heart that just so deeply desires to have babies, especially with my sweet and wonderful husband.
I LOVE children. Every moment I get to be with children, my heart fills with joy.. I offer to babysit for free, A LOT.
We both want a big family, kids we have together, kids who find their way into our hearts & homes because they don’t have anyone to care for them.

I was shocked at my own selfish responses to this incredible little miracle of life… shocked to hear my heart respond to something I want so badly in such an unloving way because it didn’t fit my exact time frame.

I was nervous, scared even, to tell people because it’s so soon after we got married, and we’re so young, and all of those other reasons I had to be nervous. I expected people to have the same sort of uncertain responses that my heart did. I’m pretty sure that everyone we know completely put me to shame in their excited and loving responses.

And now that I’ve had a chance to really process the weight and depth (only what I can see so far, of course) I am just so excited to meet our little one.
I can’t wait to have those little fingers wrapped around mine, to see my husband just melt with our little one in his arms…
I can’t wait to watch this little baby grow and take in the world. I can’t wait to feel what it is to be a parent.
I can’t wait to see that little mind and heart grow, leaning, moving, living.
I can’t wait to read stories to him/her and do my best to have cool voices (only to be shown up by John, of course).
I can’t wait to respond the first time I’m called Mom by that precious child.
I can’t wait to learn how amazing it is to be a Mom, firsthand.

It’s been an incredible 6 weeks since we found out about Baby Roque and I’ve learned a lot about my struggle with identity.
I discovered that what scared me the most was that in the midst of becoming a Mom, I would cease to be me. I would always, only, ever, be Mom. I would be defined by that relationship first and foremost… and as I thought that, I realized… I am to be defined first and foremost by my relationship to Jesus. That’s where I have security, that’s where I’ll have the courage and strength and patience and love to be a Mom for the rest of my life…

And that’s where I have joy in knowing that I get to meet our sweet baby in 6 months.

I can’t wait to meet you, Little Roque. Every day, I think of something new I want to tell you, teach you, or see you do. You’re in our prayers.
And, your Dad, he gets more excited about your arrival daily… touching my belly as we decide what to read to you before bedtime.

5 thoughts on “Baby Roque (& my selfish heart)”

  1. always love reading your blog. you have such a way with words. this made my heart happy! 🙂 lee anne, your going to be such an amazing mother… just look at the women of God that you have become… you both will be such a great example to this child! p.s. i think it’s a girl! 🙂

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  2. Lee Anne,
    Today marks 23 years of the amazing, remarkable story that is your life. You have lived through more adventure, heartbreak and growth than anyone I have ever known. Sometimes I think about the way Jesus has saved you from yourself over and again and it makes me realize that He is so good to […]

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