Being married is better than I could have imagined. It’s amazing in so many ways.
In response to thoughts like ^that one^ I have this tendency to tell myself, Well of course it is, you’ve only been married for … fill in the blank of whatever day it is. I have this tendency to trust that things don’t and can’t stay good.
So, I get antsy. I get nervous that, maybe, just maybe, I’m not really loved and what if John won’t be here if things aren’t good? I get anxious and I push buttons and I stop trusting Jesus, and I stop trusting John.
Then we have days like yesterday where I was so scared and overwhelmed that I just didn’t know what to do with myself.
I discovered that one of our student loans has a variable 10% interest rate, and if we pour all of our resources into that loan, with the insane amount of interest that builds, we might be able to take care of this one loan in the time frame we’d hoped to tackle all of our debt.
I have to be honest, I was so overwhelmed that I just completely shut down. I sat at work in front of my computer doing all these tasks that I could do without really thinking about them, and I just had tears welled up in my eyes.
I want to finish college, I want to travel, I want to have kids and adopt kids, I want my life to continue.
I was able to bear this season, this small town, this job (it’s great, but nothing I’m interested in doing, and the creative part of my brain is unnecessary most of the time), knowing that it would be just for this season: 2 or 3 years until we can pay off our debt.
Now what? Maybe I’ll never get to finish college. Maybe I’ll never get to travel. Maybe we’ll wait until I’m 30 to have kids? Oh, my.
John says that these things overwhelm me so much because I’ve never really coasted. I’ve always done whatever it took to follow my passion and my heart, my dreams and my goals. Examples: Africa, India, Nomsa, John. Right. John is why I’m here. I’m in this season because we have to work really hard to pay off John’s loans before either of us can be free to pursue our passions. My passion for him is what got me here, and I have a passion to see him pursuing film, and so the same way I did anything to get to Africa and India and to work with Nomsa.. I have the same starting point here: passion that leads to action.
I just need to remind myself that’s why. It’s because I’m passionate about John. I can do this… Until John, there was only one thing I was more passionate about than writing, traveling, and someday being a mom… and that’s the gospel, being lived out in loving people in such a way that it draws them into relationship with him.
Now, there are two things. And the same way I would probably have done anything over the next two years to pursue writing, I plan on doing anything I can in the next two years to get us debt free so we can be free to pursue our passions together. I must not lose sight of the reality that John is my passion more than those other aspirations.
I love you, John Roquemore.